As you all probably know by now I am very open about my struggles when it comes to being a mother. Everyone tells you how fun it is to raise children and how cute they are when they are born... no one warns you about teething, feeding, constipation, terrible twos... the list is actually pretty long. There are obviously some really good times when raising mini-yous but I just want to take this blog to highlight what real mums have struggled with and what being a mother has been like for them. I asked questions to two mothers and I also answered these questions myself, so here it goes...
Question 1: How old is your child/children?
Me: I have a son who's 3 and a daughter who's 10 months
C: I have a 4 year old son and a 9 month old son.
E: 5
Questions 2: Did you read any parenting books whilst expecting? If so, which ones?
Me: No, I did a lot of my research online.
C: No, I actually tried to stay away from anything like that. I didn't want to scare myself. I had 2 hard pregnancies. I decided to just listen to my consultant and go from there.
E: Yes I got brought one by jo frost, confident child care and another who I can't remember what it was called but it had the steps of how your baby was during each term of pregnancy. I read. A lot online too.
Question 3: What do you find most difficult about being a mother?
Me: it sounds so selfish saying it out loud, but I miss having time to myself. Also, trying to conform into being a 'perfect parent'. I'm not perfect, I don't always feed my children the best food, I have off days- I feel like society judge me a lot for the type of mother I am, I don't know.
C: I find it difficult to finish everything that needs to be done. My youngest son is now crawling and my eldest son is diabetic and so had additional health needs. I have very busy days and I feel like I haven't always accomplished what I set out to do
E: Not being the "perfect mum" or not good enough mum in comparison to others. Not feeling smart enough to teach, since I don't have him at weekends as he's at his dads not being the fun one as I can't take him to as much, not being a working mum. You know the jist all those "Perfect" things a mum is supposed to be.
Question 4: Was there anything you were surprised at how difficult it was?
Me: The anxiety that comes with having a child. I don't know if everyone suffers with this anxiety but it is by far the hardest thing I've had to deal with. I don't like going out with my children in fear that someone will take them or in fear that they will get hurt in some way and everyone would blame me for it.
C: I have been lucky as I have 2 very laid back and chilled out boys. My eldest son however was 7 weeks early and spent 4 weeks in NICU. I wasn't prepared for how hard that would be. I cried every single day he was in there and I just wanted him to be okay. I had an overwhelming sense of love and it felt awful that there wasn't much I could do while he was in the hospital. I suffered badly with depression because of that. I felt guilty.
E: baby stages changing a baby I used to throw up everytime while doing it as the smell and look of it bleh it took me a long time to not thorw up while doing it. next thing that comes to mind is being out with my son in public during his toddler days, I have quite bad anxiety so I got to a point where I could not leave the house barely at all, I kept worrying what other people thought of me being a mother or if my son had a tantrum in public about others judgement, I had help with this but I feel it only made me worse about it. I remember feeling like the worst mother in the world when I forgot to put on his coat to nursery and it poured it down with rain. He was crying his eyes out as he was getting soaked and I ended up crying too as a woman gave me a flithly look.
Question 5: Do you feel you've had enough support since becoming a mother? Explain why:
Me: I definitely feel like I've had enough support from everyone in my life since having my children . People often look at me and think 'well you've got a great support system, why has she got post natal depression?' The truth is, I don't know and that makes me feel worse about it.
C: Yes and no. My eldest son was born into a badorelationship with my ex husband. He didn't care about me or our son and it showed. I became very unwell after my eldest birth as my ex told me he would leave me if I stayed fat. I dropped 3 dress sizes in a month and I was very ill and depressed. I felt very trapped and alone. I was living far away from my family. My youngest son is a different story. My partner now is amazing and supports me. He is the polar opposite to my ex husband. I moved to the same town as my grandparents who raised me and they see me and my boys 2-3 times a week. A team supported me after the birth of my youngest as they knew I had previously been in a bad relationship with many problems. They looked out for me and I was signed off quickly due to no depression this time around. It was nice that the team looked out for me and supported me. They put me in touch with a victims of abuse support group and I met some wonderful people.
E: no, people don't support as much rather try to tell what what they think is right or what they would do if they was a mum or when they had their child at that age. it wasn't shown until late on I had postnatal depression even tough one of doctors read out to me my notes from years ago with a nurse stating the thought I had it. It took an attempted overdose in hospital to finally get the help I needed. I felt like a shit mum, his family is old fashioned I made me feel bad for trying to have my own life, for still trying to be me as well as mum me that I should always be the one at home looking after the child. Thus I ended up doing that and loosing my photography I once did. My mum I actually told me in front of my friends that if i carried on the way I was that I'd have my son taken off me. What no one did notice was that I was the one doing everything. I was the one left alone in my depression with my child, with no help, everyone around me got thier life's. His dad was barely there . Yet I was the wrong in the wrong? It now angers me how I was made to feel so low when I was the one doing everything I could by my son while struggling to cope. the support I gained, when it was far to late I don't feel helped at all, my couselling cut me off early as they felt I didn't need it anymore it was meant to be for 8 sessions and I had 6. I had a woman come around to my house to encourage different types of play and to see how I was getting on. I had social services come see how I was doing I think once a month for about a year. I was made to go to my local sure start center and attend groups which I hated with the anxiety this made me feel incredibly worse. I was signed off everything and have had nothing since. I don't feel there's support really from anything just people pushing their judgment and how the book says everything is.
Question 6. I want to end these questions on a high note, so what is your proudest moment as a mother, to date?
Me: How far ahead both my children are in certain aspects. You can hold a real conversation with my 3 year old and have been able to since he was maybe 2. He's so bright and he makes me proud every day. My daughter does things that she shouldn't be doing, her hand eye co ordination is really good for a child her age. I'm also really proud of how much my children love each other, that sounds so odd but I was scared that they wouldn't get on and my son would get jealous but they get on so well.
C: I'm proud of my eldest son for dealing well with his type 1 diabetes and for being such a bright and funny boy. He makes me proud every single day. I'm proud of the bond he has with my youngest son too. My youngest son makes me proud too, watching them grow and bond is wonderful.
Lastly I'm proud of myself. I managed to difficult pregnancies. One to 32 weeks and one to 37 weeks. I escaped a bad relationship and I have a beautiful, happy little family. Honestly I can't remember my life before my kids because I don't think it was much of one. I'm very lucky.
E: calebs speech is extremely advanced for his age, I think being around adults rather then children or so I'm told lol has helped that. It's nice when you get old your child is advanced in something for their age. Or I could go for the moments of when Caleb turns around and says "that's my mum, look at my mum to other kids" Nice to know I'm loved haha.
It was really lovely getting to know these Mothers a little more and I really would like to thank them for answering the questions so honestly! You can see that Mums struggle with different things and we can all agree that the job of raising children is bloody difficult.
Thank you for reading!
B x
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